by Kris Tyler
It hurt. For so long, this existence just hurt so badly. Most of my life, I felt pulled into despair no matter how hard I fought against it, like battling a black hole that sucks light into oblivion. Every step forward widened the gap, sending me tumbling into the shadows over and over and over again.
As a child, I moved all the time, never staying in one place for long. I attended five different schools, learned new languages, tried (and failed) to make friends where I knew no one, and worked to please my parents by being the “good kid” with high grades. Then, we would move and the cycle would start anew, thrust into another world as an outcast.
As a teenager, I could speak five languages and my parents had a bright future all planned. Even then, I knew their “dream” meant a trap that would keep me from waking up to true purpose. So, I searched for truth within the mysteries of the universe. The energy I had put towards succeeding in school, I now put towards understanding the esoteric. And yet, even in my spiritual quest, I was an outsider. I LOVED my mind and all it shared – after all I was one with it – so why did spirituality preach “no mind”? And why couldn’t I open my third eye to see ghosts and non-physical beings? At least I would have some interesting friends to talk to! The “real” world was already an alien nation and now the “alien” world seemed just as elusive. Was I really such an anomaly that I would never fit in anywhere?
“Even in my spiritual quest, I was an outsider. I LOVED my mind and all it shared – after all I was one with it – so why did spirituality preach “no mind”?”
I curled further into my shell, cringed at the human masks and hated the false matrix, always pushing people away because I couldn’t relate to them. I didn’t resonate any longer to being a specific social gender. I starved for authenticity. Finally, I dropped out of university shattering the perfect future my parents had mapped for me, thereby ruining the last fragments of our relationship and any hope of a stable career.
With nowhere to go “out there”, I turned inward and embarked on a
fasting ceremony for 28 days. After misinterpreting a Buddhist text that
emotions are poison, I was hoping to get rid of my emotions for good.
In that state of deprivation, I recognized the voice of my ego and saw
life as a hologram. Reality blurred and I often questioned my sanity.
Old wounds long suppressed came surging to the surface and I was
terrified and alone, never having learned tools for clearing energy or
negative emotions. Add to that, my fasting regiment was not done
properly and my muscles started to degenerate. No matter how strong my
willpower had been, my body simply wasn’t ready.
After breaking the fast, I attempted to enter the land of the living and working again only to merge with the same pattern of toxic environments and disastrous alienation. I was neglecting myself, exhausted with every day functions, and was falling deeper and deeper within the dark night of the soul. I could see no hope or light in existence. The world stood out as a cold and meaningless place and echoed the utter mistake of my being born. I was prepared to commit suicide, to put an end to this cruel game once and for all. Death called to me as the quest for truth once did so long ago.
Then, in that moment of eternal despair, the shift occurred. Far away in the background, a voice carried on the radio – a young polish monk reading a passage from the bible (Philippians 2:6-11). With each word, a warm glow grew and enveloped me. Light began swirling against the blackness, pushing it out, forcing the pain to soften and let go of its death grip. Heat flooded all the cold and numb places within my body. I cried. I laughed. I could feel. I was ALIVE!
“Heat flooded all the cold and numb places within my body. I cried. I laughed. I could feel. I was ALIVE!”
The energy held within the monk’s words and tones cracked open the resistance and impenetrable walls of my wounds. The stones of my prison exploded with a force that took my breath away. I HAD TO CHANGE MY POINT OF VIEW. The world didn’t have to change to accept me – I HAD TO CHANGE TO ACCEPT ME. It all became clear – I had to embrace ME fully, finding self-love and acceptance within. All the years of pain and rejection were an unrelenting mirror of how I saw myself. It was time for a new reflection.
I started to find little things throughout the day that made me smile: a flower, a raindrop, the sky. Before going to bed, I began expressing gratitude, a practice I’ve been doing now for three years. I also looked deeper into my on-going heart condition (Mitral Valve Prolapse). Medical scans showed my heart to be covered with scars. I realized that all the heartbreak of this life – all the rejection – was embedded in my physical body as well. I started to connect the dots and work through the psychological traumas, facing and releasing them. I had to learn how to forgive myself and most of all, stop separating myself from the world by being a hermit. This time I reached out to people but with clear boundaries and found gratitude in the lessons they mirrored. Suddenly, life became increasingly exciting. The more aware I became, the more miracles graced my field. Slowly but surely, I began to transition back into my body and heart and out of my mind.
As I evolved, so did the mirror and I was soon reconnected with someone who changed my life in unbelievable ways. While this friend embarked on a pilgrimage to Spain, I started to sense the fabric of his experiences. I felt like a compass during the day, a lighthouse during the night, and an anchor in the deepest water of his subconscious.
When he returned, he confirmed the shared energy, often accessing it to get through the hard moments. I’m still at a loss for words at the purity of that connection and experience. All I know is that there is no neediness, no egoic attachment; only kindness, authenticity and a dear trustworthy friend I can share an unlabeled deep connection with. It is with heartfelt gratitude I thank the universe for gifting me the miracle of my very first and closest true friend.
“For the first time in my life, I am experiencing transformation and joy. I trust myself more, see the blessing I am, and realize I played out my role perfectly.”
For the first time in my life, I am experiencing transformation and joy. I trust myself more, see the blessing I am, and realize I played out my role perfectly. And I finally see that I do have something to offer this planet as an abstract artist. Letting go of old perfectionist patterns, I’m having fun with paints and spiritually coming more ‘online’.
My journey and rebirth has just begun. With old skin shedded, I have nothing – yet have it all.
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