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explain a bit about the connections between…
- Self-esteem
- Codependency
- Attraction to emotionally unavailable (or narcissistic) partners
- And trauma bonding…
Many people have the mistaken assumption…
That the reason we attract (and are unconsciously attracted to) emotionally available partners…
Is simply because of low self-esteem.
If only it was that simple, Cynthia.
The real reason is quite complex…
If you are stuck in a loop of attracting emotionally unavailable partners…
Feeling like you are always over-giving in your relationships and doing all the work…
And having to “chase” emotional connection…
Settling for “breadcrumbs”…
Or are in a relationship that is dragging you down…
Where you just don’t know who you are anymore…
Instead of in a relationship that’s sustainable and allowing you to grow…
Simply focusing on raising your self-esteem is onlyjust addressing a symptom…
Not the root cause which is usually unresolved childhood trauma.
Children who grow up with a wounded or insecure parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Low self-esteem
- Self-doubt
- Self-blame
- Indecision
- People-pleasing tendencies
- Difficulties with emotional intimacy
- Codependent relationships
When we are children, we need models for healthy relationships…
We need someone as a child who we totally trust to protect us and be there for us, loving us no matter what.
And many of us didn’t always have perfect role models for this.
Many to some extent, have experienced a narcissistic or insecure parent or caregiver, and our core needs were not consistently met.
I don’t only mean those being directly abused (emotionally or physically)…
I also mean children of parents who were absent, who fought a lot…
Or who were wishy-washy with their love for you…
Or even struggled to love themselves…
Or the parent who only gave love when you were being the “good boy or girl”…
Or DID give you the attention you needed…
But only when you were doing something they wanted and so on…
Because if we had one or more parents who weren’t mentally or emotionally healthy in some way …
Or even just a parent who was not available to meet our needs…
We will become attracted to that same pattern in our adult romantic relationships.
It’s as if our subconscious mind is seeking a “do over” to try to get it right this time.
But if those childhood trauma wounds are not acknowledged or healed…
We will continue to repeat the same patterns…
Essentially replaying the same movie script that is familiar.
And if we had any codependency patterns in how our parents related to us…
Or with each other…
Or if we had a parent who avoided emotions or struggled or was addicted to anything…
Codependency is the only thing that makes sense to us.
And this can cause us to want to “fix” others we love most…
To anxiously chase or “save” them…
For example, our wounded inner child is trying to “fix” the parent(s) that couldn’t meet our core need at one point.
By playing out the same story in our romantic relationships…
Hoping that we can FINALLY get the “happy ending” we long for.
The way we view ourselves in this context…
Is based on untrue beliefs we picked up from these unhealthy interactions.
These core beliefs or “limiting beliefs” are the silent assumptions we make up about life…
How we relate to ourselves and others…
And how we see “the way the world seems to work” since we were small.
We then tend to mistake these assumptions for hard facts and live our lives accordingly.
Silent, unconscious beliefs like…
- Love is difficult
- I don’t deserve love
- I am worthless
- I’m a bad person
- Relationships are not safe
- Commitment is elusive
- Love is dangerous
- I’m not good enough
- Something is wrong with me
- I only deserve love when I am “good”
- I must earn love to deserve it
- It’s not okay to feel my emotions
- I cannot stand up for myself
- I am powerless
- I deserve to be unhappy
And these silent beliefs, whether we consciously agree or not…
ALL impact our view of self, leading us to feel unworthy of love.
These core narratives impact our relationship to everything…
Our relationship to surrender, to control, our power…
Our ability to be vulnerable and open…
Including our ability to trust, to receive, and to discernreal love…
Or even to keep ourselves away from harm!
Our core beliefs affect our ability to really know ourselves.
Which causes us to seek externally from outside ourselves…
To feel reassured that we are worthy of love…
Instead of truly loving ourselves as we are.
And this can lead to trauma bonding…
Where we KNOW a relationship has become unhealthy…
But we struggle to leave…
Because we don’t want to be alone or fear of taking care of ourselves.
Or maybe it’s just all we know and we’re hooked to the breadcrumbs we receive as if we’re rewarded for it…
Especially if we experience abuse as a child, it is incredibly confusing…
Part of our mind is afraid of our parent(s)…
But another part of our mind still loves them because they are our parent(s).
So our experience of love is also tied to trauma.
That’s all we know.
And even though it feels bad sometimes…
It is what also feels comfortable.
On a side note…
Please know that if anyone in your life is currently being overly critical, cruel, demeaning, or harming you physically or sexually…
That is NOT okay.
GET OUT.
You will find a way.
If this is going on in your life, it is critical that you reach out for help and true support.
And to heal, will take deep work.
Self-help books can be helpful in addressing codependency or attachment styles…
But to truly heal…
To see what healthy relationships actually look like…
Especially if we experienced abuse as a child…
We need to go much deeper to heal.
We need a safe place to ask questions.
We need the support to guide us.
We need to unlock how to relate in healthy ways with ourselves and others.
Over the next couple of days…
I’ll be sharing some examples of how diving into this work has shifted people’s lives…
Helped them break the cycle of trauma-bonded relationships…
And finally learn how to be in a healthy, meaningful and nurturing relationship that feels safe.
Rose Rambles... 