It has been about ten days or so of pain and discomfort in my back. I have had back issues on and off for years yet none have taken so long to resolve. My body is strong in its willingness to do as I ask of it, when I ask. Now, it asks me to move in a new way, a new energy. My old way held a gritting my teeth energy. I had thought that long behind me since I stepped onto this path of beingness over a decade ago. Yet, the recent move of our family brought out my old “can do” energy despite my knowing that I was to walk it differently.
This has been a deep surrender on much more than only the physical level. I have had to have help which my family has graciously given. They have taken it in turns, to make sure that I have had food and assistance as well as company and a showering of love. One morning, my former hubby came to check in and make me breakfast. I was not feeling hungry and started to say so when I heard, “The food is the vehicle for the love. Accept the love and allow it to nourish you.” Yes, I allowed and ate the love that created it. I had thought myself balanced on the receiving end after a half century of the giving side. I was raised to believe that love came through service, and I emptied my well of self over and over in pursuit of that love. These days have shown where I still held remnants of that belief that I had to be giving in order to be loved. I have sunk into the love given with a deep sigh of gratitude and appreciation.
I have been moved to stillness, to a time of drifting. I have turned to my old coping mechanisms; books, movies, sweets. All having their place yet not touching what needed touching within. I have felt the loosening of bonds. I have watched myself react in old ways, the attempting to control, fix or change people or circumstances. Of wanting all to feel comfort and softness. There is a falling away as the energy does not hold….it dissipates as I form it. I am now sensing the old reaction form and knowing that I can watch it and allow it to recede without moving to form. I can bear witness to all these aspects of self and feel compassion and love for myself and all of us. We are such tender beings. Oh, how we strive and work to be more. Our own beauty and mastery eclipsed by the story of not being enough.
Each day, more falls away. The pain has moved to discomfort, my body keeping me in check if my mind harbors an idea of what I will do. Slowly, slowing down to its pace. Movements careful and full of presence or the spasms take over. Grateful for the easing that is happening, the greater connection to this beautiful body that has held up through so much heaviness with few complaints. Letting go of any idea of how each day, each hour will be. Allowing myself this drifting, the ability to rise without using a prop and then needing the prop once again. Back and forth, surrendering to what presents, to what I am called to.
The new comes closer, on the edge of my awareness, a dream like quality of joy. If I turn and feel for it directly, it moves away. The stillness invites it in. I lie here dreamweaving the future I choose to live in. The future where we are free to love everything and everyone. The future that my grandchildren embody, their eyes ablaze with starlight beams from home. My sweet five month old granddaughter takes me breath away each time I see her, whether it has been an hour or a day. She is so bright! Fortunately, I live above her in a beautiful space that allows me freedom to dream as well as easy access to the love of my son’s family below me. Sweetness.
I know the privilege of space and time that I have. As I sink deeper into the dream and weave the lovelight that I am, I feel all hearts’ desiring for this new world. May we all dream it together and relish all the moments along the way. We are awesome creators. We are beautiful. May we all come to know our own beauty.