“There is a time for everything and everything in its time.” Whether this is on the grand scale of our soul’s eternal journey or the unique and beautiful journeys we take within our human lives, we have created and co-created awakening moments with mathematical precision. This article is about how I have navigated my own awakening, in the hope that it helps others to do the same. My journey thus far has guided me to understand that love, most importantly self-love, is the key to unlocking our true potentials.
Along the path of discovering my own potential, there are three steps that I use to come to a place of greater self-love. They are: First, to accept myself where I am in that moment. Second, to like myself in that moment. Third, to love who I am in that moment. In order to do that, I had to understand and reconcile my often painful experiences. In the main body of the article I have included 4 subheadings, these I have used to mark different stages of my healing journey. I have interwoven the accept, like and love concepts throughout these subheadings.
I am my own labor of love, as we all are, in different forms for different reasons. Our ultimate aim here is to live the life we have chosen to live. Some lives may feel infinitesimally small and easy to exist in. Others may feel monumentally greater in their challenges, while others fill the gap between and each and every one divinely unique and perfect.
My own life has been one of a plethora of mistakes and bad choices, yet every step has been exact and purposeful. It’s shown me there is a bigger picture than my own tiny details. I’ve learned that my actions have not only played notes on my instrument, they have also informed the notes others play too.
We are all part of the orchestra; we all have our own instruments with our own sheet music. Whether we play active roles or passive roles, awakened or asleep, we are all playing our parts perfectly. So, what’s my part here, what is my instrument? How do I play so I get the best out of myself while also helping to bring out the best in other people? The key, as always, is through love. To get the best sounds and the most beautifully rich vibrations, each instrument needs to be loved, looked after and maintained. In the past my instrument was neglected because I felt it was less than perfect. I tried to ignore it by living in my head, hoping I could somehow wake up with a different, better one, then my life could really take off. I wouldn’t have to make the ‘mistakes’ I’d made and I wouldn’t have to hurt the people around me. I would have designed a life that effectively wouldn’t adversely affect anyone. It would have all the appearances’ of being a charmed life, with none of the draw backs that were, I felt, all I had to offer up to that point.
While that design may have been a better one, It would also have none of the flavor and be devoid of the love that I am now feeling, both for myself and ultimately the others I am divinely blessed with.
What I once felt about my life had everything to do with a fear of living it and nothing to do with the power of my presence in it. I once wanted nothing to do with the direction of or the responsibility for steering my life. I just wanted to be left alone in my cave, wanting for nothing more than to be in my head space, living in the world of my imagination. The only problem was the longer I tried to ignore my life, the more chaotic it seemed to become. I was also missing the journey, the real one. You see, the chaotic stuff was happening, and was never pleasant, but it took me somewhere. It gave me the gifts of experience so that I could grow within myself and also have the ability to share that growth with others. I had divined my life’s circumstances perfectly, so perfectly in fact that it still surprises me, still calls me to grow, still gives me a full spectrum of experiences which I know (now) I will be able to share. I am starting to live a life of service by living a life that gives me experiences from which I can understand others and also be understood.
I realize now that living the life I chose was the charmed life, rather than the one that I desperately hoped would one day appear.
I started writing this a few weeks ago, intuitively knowing that I had something to say without the conscious knowledge of exactly what would flow through me and onto the page or knowing where my spirit would journey to write it. Between the day I started and right now, I have been changing and rearranging myself. I realized that to continue walking the path, I would have to continue to look at and love myself. That would mean knowing when to rest and rejuvenate and also when to plough on. It also meant facing those parts of me that I still haven’t reached out to and loved, those parts that I still struggle to reconcile, still struggle to love, those divine parts of my journey that reflected my deepest fears back to me, not just from this life but from others I have lived.
I want now to share what I have learnt from this process in the hope that it resonates with others.
1. Understanding people who are destructive in our lives.
The people who seem to cause the most destruction in our lives are the most divine souls for helping to highlight in us what it is that needs healing. Everyone we experience in our lives are reflections of different parts of who we are, the person we have created. Destructive people reflect perfectly the fears we hold and the protective ego we have built around the fear. They shine a light into our dark places and expose what is there. The longer we try to run and hide from what we see, the more that person plays their role. Only when we surrender our ego, acknowledge the necessary changes and then make them, will the destructive person loose their influence over us. A very beautiful aspect of this process is, that person, that soul, represents a love so deep that they agreed to be the ‘bad’ guy to help us to awaken. That deep love is who we really are and from personal experience, it is one of the hardest things to admit when you don’t like who you see in the mirror.
In our true state we are pure at the core, not one sentient being on this planet is any different. We have all agreed to play our roles, even when those roles have been horrendous, it is all part of the divine tapestry and all the notes played in the orchestra are played to harmonize perfectly. So be grateful to anyone in your life who has played that destructive role, be grateful and know they are reflecting you, showing you what you have been unwilling to see for yourself. Now its time to take that reflection and love what you see.
2. Loving ourselves takes practice.
Up until a couple of years ago I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t be naked, and I couldn’t love who I was. This was even after having recovered memories from my NDE (Near Death Experience). Whilst over on ‘the other side’, I was that divine unconditional love, it was easy to love who I had been because I couldn’t not be the love I was born from. Being here, you would think that after I awoke I’d suddenly feel and be that same level of love. After all, for those of you who are aware of NDE’s, aren’t we supposed to come back changed, aren’t our vibrations supposed to be higher? They are, but there’s a point to living here the way we do, we’ve chosen to experience a corporeal existence from a dualistic stand point, where contrast is required for full understanding of everything.
To understand love we must understand fear, to understand abundance we must understand lack, etc. So how has that influenced my ability to love myself? Well, I knew only too well the opposite of self-love, which was self-loathing. My path through it was to take one step at a time and when an unloved, unliked aspect of me was ready to emerge, I’d start by accepting who I’d been when that aspect was created. I’d practice gratitude for everything about who I was at that time, knowing aspect of me was from my past, knowing that he was part of who I have become. Disliking and rejecting that version of me no longer made sense. To disregard any moment in my past, any version of me, was also invalidating my present moment. I was in effect saying not only was that part of my past wrong, but every step since then was wrong, which would make every step after that wrong too. Every brush stroke is as needed as every other brush stroke to make a work of art. I simply cannot be who I am now without all the other divine parts of me. I am a perfectly imperfect work in progress.
I realized that the path started with accepting who I had been and who that made me in this moment. From there I began to like everything about who I had been, including all choices I’d made, especially ones that I know directly affected others. I realized that my choices were connected and interconnected with the choices of those affected. Within any chosen ‘past’ experience I made choices to do or say things, anyone else involved also made their own choice to experience that moment for themselves. As much as I, on a higher level, knew that the choice for me was perfect for where it took me, I was also able to see how the other person(s) choice to be there took them. Just as my choice to act was perfect, their choice to be there was too, so ultimately however much we may wish to change something in the ‘past’, doing so would alter the experiences that followed for everyone involved from that point forward.
We can look at it from another stand point, which would be that our choices can have ‘negative’ impacts on the world around us. From our 3d perspective, that is true. Human tragedy is an example of this. There are many examples of people making a choice resulting in the death of someone else being the result, which has dramatic affects on the loved ones of everyone involved. What is often seen is, as a direct result of such choices, “good” also comes from it. Family members set up charities to raise money to both honor their loved one and to do something positive with their grief. Laws are changed or put into place to protect others from the same tragedy.
Another example are natural disasters. When one happens, it challenges us on many levels, but it also touches deeply the divinity inside all of us. It’s a call to action of sorts which drives us to show our loving humanity, it evokes compassion and brings us together, all differences suddenly forgotten because there is something bigger, more important to focus on. It is also perfect for the soul’s choice within that moment, that life and that part of the cycle wishing to be expressed. There are predestined choices we make before coming here, certain experiences we require which are absolutely necessary for the growth of each soul, both within its human existence and within its soulful travels, it’s the bigger picture of the bigger picture.
3. Understanding our experiences are cyclical.
If there is a particular ‘negative’ trait or set of traits that we have, (for me I will use the example of a particularly profound past life healing, later I will also discuss money and my relationship with it) they will continue to appear in our lives until we learn the lessons we are meant to around it. The more significant or strong the trait, the more discord it creates in our lives, the faster and more often the cycles come around where we are challenged with changing/healing that aspect of ourselves. If we keep running into the same issues that are a sign there is more learning and healing to do around it. If we make fear-based decisions or choices around those events, the bigger or stronger the negative experience becomes or the more often we have to experience it before it no longer shows up in our life.
The best example of this I can give is with the past life healing I have done. All moments exist now, regardless of whether we perceive them as ‘past’ memories or ‘past’ lives, the incident and the subsequent healing are happening simultaneously. I had a severe needle phobia for many years; my body would shut down if I was ever in a situation where I would have to give blood. I went for hypnotherapy to see where this had started, assuming that it was an event that had occurred at some point in my childhood. What I discovered is that the root cause of the problem was from a moment in a life that I had already lived. I was a 17 year old boy serving in World War 1. To cut a long story short I was killed after being shot, as I lay there my intestines and stomach were forced out and I couldn’t put them back in. The reconciliation came through my knowing but also my present self being present in that moment with my former self. I was my former self at the moment of being shot and I was also my present self for the healing. There was no gap or distance of time; I existed in both moments simultaneously. I had the experience of being shot and killed and the experience of healing from it all at once. It was my soul’s choice to experience all that and it divined the perfect way to do that through two life times. The cyclical aspect of this came time after time during this life, every time it came to my having to give blood or having to have an injection, my fear surrounding it grew. The fear became so strong that my body would shut down and I would start to panic, I would even start to become aggressive. Discovering the source of my fear allowed me to accept it which allowed me to accept myself, I was also able to naturally move to liking myself within each aspect of my life (lives) that had been affected by my past life death.
This then naturally moves from liking to loving myself, not just within this vessel but that part of me that is in everyone and everything else. To fully love myself it is my divine purpose to also see me in everyone else too, to see my reflection and our connection. Like the old saying “love thine enemy as thy self”. I cannot truly love myself without being able to love everyone else, this is because love is internal expressed to the external.
4. Love is as constant as the journey.
The path to healing is infinite, infinite in its span and infinite within its possibilities to heal. We find our way along it by making choices. Those choices can be made based in one of two things, fear or love, each one perfect in that moment. Life finds you exactly where you are and you/we are always provided with exactly what we need in any given moment to make any given choice. When we make our decisions or choices from the perspective of love, ego cannot play a significant role. With the diminishment of ego rises more love. That love is within and around every one of us and on some level, is always recognized. That love is translated, is communicated and influences the next moment and the next, ad infinitum. We have the ability to perpetuate this within every moment of every day, thus growing the love in the world.
As I said in the last paragraph, I want to use my relationship with money. Ever since I have earned money, I have felt I didn’t deserve it, the stronger the feeling of undeserving the bigger the debt I created. I always wanted money but I didn’t accept like or love myself nearly enough to deserve it. So began the cycles of debt and chances to release, causing more debt because of my relationship with myself, causing more chances to release. There is an infinite etc etc here because the universe knew and knows that money is a really good indicator as to where I am in relation to me relating to myself. At my ‘worst’ moments I have been at the limits of where I could be before something (financially) burst.
This always followed with how I felt about myself, where I was financially breaking I was also spiritually and physically breaking. So how was I able to move through this? How was I able to improve my financial situation? The key was realizing that my relationship with money was a reflection of my relationship with me. So to ‘heal’ my finances I had to learn how to heal the aspects of me internally of which money reflectively represented externally.
I am learning to accept that my ‘mistakes’ with money were choices I made from my fearful egotistic side, the side which guided me to believe that this time it would work out, that borrowing more money would help me consolidate everything that I already owed and would leave me better off because this time I was going to get it right! The majority of the time, if I had stuck to my original intentions (when borrowing), I would have improved my situation. The problem came afterwards, when I had all that extra money sitting there. I’d make other plans for it, not pay debts off and find myself back in the same cycle again.
Change came when I recognized what I was doing. I recognized that I used money to hide from an internal truth, that truth was that I didn’t accept myself like myself or love myself nearly enough to deserve the money that I created. It not only affected how I used money but how I manifested it.
Believe it or not, applying for lines of credit through loans or credit cards, is still creating money but it is the negative fear based creating that we do when we believe ( on whatever level) that we aren’t deserving enough to create that money in any other way. In that respect I have been a great debt creator and at the same time have always created enough to enable me to pay it off. In effect I am more powerful than I have ever wanted to see, so imagine what can be created now that I have started to accept like and love myself.
“Love is as constant and the journey”. Wherever I have fallen foul of my choices, wherever I have feared and wherever I have ignored who I am, Love has always been there. It has always been my companion. Throughout this particular aspect of my travels, love has cycled with me because it knew that I would eventually start to love with it. My choices now are always checked against how I feel. I am not all the way there, I still have weak moments, then I look within to see that I am perfect as I am. I accept my previous choices, I like the fact that those choices took me on a journey and I love the fact that the journey lead me to this point.
So I ask you, what is it that you recognize in yourself which needs love? What cycles of behavior, which people, what circumstances or addictions do you have that are perhaps external reflections of your internal troubles? What will accepting liking and loving yourself do to change them? What can you and the universe inside of you create/co-create through love? These are questions I asked and still ask of myself, questions of which I still find extraordinary answers. I am worth love, I am worth loving, I am deserving of the process of accepting then liking then loving who I am in any situation. Any that I have been in, any that I am in now and any that I will be in. I am love and I am worth loving.